Sometimes it sneaks up on you out of nowhere. There’s no time to swallow back the lump in your throat or to blink away the tears that are stinging your eyes. You’re transported back to that moment that is always so close and to that feeling that is always just under the surface. It shows on your face and in your body language. Sometimes it exposes you. You’re caught. They see that there’s something going on inside of you. What if they ask what’s wrong? Do they really want to know? If you explain will they understand, will they care? How do you explain your loss, the grief? The hole that’s gaping in the middle of your heart.tear
You remember a moment that was special, a dream that was coming true, a future already documented in your mind for what it was going to be, the person that made life worth it. Your heart grows warm. And then you feel yourself pulled back into reality. The reality that what I used to have I have no more.
Maybe it was a Him. Or a Her. It might have been your innocence that was lost. A dream you’d had. A future.
Grief. It does things to a person. It shakes our reality. It reminds us we’re fragile and that we only own this moment. Sometimes it steals from us. It changes parts of our personality. It grows us. It leaves us alone.
There’s not one experience of grief like another. Sure, anyone who has grieved has felt the universal feeling of loss. But no one knows exactly what it was like for you. No one knows how much that person or that thing meant to you. No one can completely see the future you had already planned in your mind. No one can grasp with both their hands what it was like to have that stolen from you. And strangely, that’s one of the most beautiful parts of grief. It’s yours. Uniquely yours. No one can take it from you. The other most beautiful part of grief is that it means something mattered. Grief means something was great enough to make its mark on you.
So, maybe they won’t understand. But maybe they’ll care. Maybe you’ll leave your mark on them. And maybe that lost dream, the innocence that is no more, the relationship that changed you, will continue to have its say in this world.
It’s Vital
It’s vital for you to find some sense of normalcy, or at least for you to find a new reality that you can manage to live. In order to find that new place, your grief must be given a voice. You can start by asking yourself questions. Ask yourself the important questions. If you’re not sure what those questions might be, try a few of these.
What’s the most difficult part of this for you each day?
What do you miss the most?
If the people in your daily life could understand one thing about what you’re going through what would you want that to be?
Are there any parts of this that overwhelm you? What happens when you get overwhelmed?
Do you have the support you need around you?
What does it feel like to ask yourself these questions?
It’s also vital that you’re honest with yourself. You may be hurting. You may not know how to recover. You may feel lost. The grief may be causing you to feel alone, misunderstood, isolated. You may have felt anger. Don’t run from these feelings. It’s okay that you’re feeling them. Remember? To feel these feelings means something mattered. Something significant left it’s mark on you. And no one can take that from you. Oftentimes grief is elongated when it is not given the attention and care it needs. In American culture we have a process for grief before the burial, whether that “burial” is in the ground or just in your heart, but we don’t have much of a process for grief after the burial. It may feel that others have moved on, and you’re sitting there still feeling and seeing the remnants of the past day after day. Where are you supposed to turn? Scripture may be helpful for a moment here. Do you know how long Joseph grieved when his father passed away? Genesis 50:3 tell us 70 days. 70 days. Let that melt in your mind for a minute. That’s over 2 months. And it wasn’t just him. The Egyptians also mourned for him 70 days. Joseph’s grief also mattered to those around him. For 70 days they honored and remembered a man who left a mark on their lives. We don’t have anything like that today. So, in today’s world you may have to fight for your own grief. You may have to remind people that you still need them and that you still need time. Time to heal.
Grief is like a deep cut. At first it’s raw, bleeding. It’s open and gushing and painful. At some point is cauterizes, the blood stops, and a scab begins to form. It’s still visible, everyone can see it. It still hurts if something touches it. Some may comment or ask about what happened. Over time the scab begins to heal, growing small. It’s practically disappeared to others but what’s left is the scar. It’s never truly gone, and it’s left it’s mark. Every time you look at it you’re reminded. Every once in a while you tell the story of how you got your scar; your mark that tells you something significant happened. That’s when your grief- Him, Her, Your Dream, That Future-gets a voice again.
Giving Your Grief A Voice
Remember, every journey through grief is unique, and that includes yours. If you are struggling to find your way through your grief Renew can be a place for you to navigate the difficult waters you tread. For more information, browse through the counseling services we offer, or please call Renew at (602) 633-4032.
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