Couple Therapy

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.” Song of Songs 8:6

Thoughts about love and relationships…

The science of love – a wonderful mystery that really is not so mysterious after thousands of couples over the years have been studied by researchers.  It is our belief that God made each one of us for relationship; first with Him as our Creator and with others, who are called to “love as God loves.”  We crave the experience, the peace, and comfort that comes from love that honors, love that fully accepts, love that passionately pursues, love that believes, and love that endures.  In secure relationships we are not left on our own to wonder if we matter. Yet, our ability to love in a healthy way is influenced by our human condition.  This condition is called brokenness. 

At the core, no matter how much we want to love, we love from a place of brokenness.  God’s original design was for deep intimacy and full transparency.  However, influenced by things such as our personalities, patterns of relating learned in childhood and over the years in other relationships, we are suseptible to wounds that impact our ability to love.  We love through the lens of this brokenness.  Without embracing the reality of both brokenness and the provision God has made in modeling an unfailing secure love, patterns of brokenness can destroy the relationships we rely upon to support God’s design for dependency and fellowship.

As Christian counselors, our work with couples employs this picture of secure love in the gospel within a theoretical framework of attachment theory using the empirically proven therapeutic models of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, the Safe Haven Model, and Gottman Method Couples Therapy.  Through these models and the integration of Biblical principles of covenant relationship, we seek changes for people in a way that will produce lasting positive change.

ISSUES THAT CAN BE ADDRESSED

  • Emotional distance between partners
  • Increase in number of arguments
  • Repeated arguments over the same issues
  • Conversations about separation or divorce
  • Lack of affection or difficulties with physical intimacy
  • Lack of fun in relationship
  • Poor communication – not feeling heard or feeling misunderstood
  • Betrayal and infidelity – physical or emotional
  • Sex addiction
  • Disagreements over how to raise children
  • Times of transition

GETTING STARTED

When getting started in therapy, we recommend couples take advantage of an initial 85-minute session block due the complexities that exist with each partner’s need to share his or her perspective on the presenting issues in the relationship and goals for treatment. It is vital that your therapist gain an accurate understanding of the history of your relationship as well as the patterns that keep you trapped. Some couples wait to begin therapy until they have reached high levels of distress, deep withdrawal, and in many cases, betrayal. In some instances, your therapist may also recommend separate individual sessions for each partner to gain more insight – sometimes highly distressed relationships do not have enough emotional safety present to be completely honest about issues in the presence of the partner.

We will establish rapport and a trusting therapeutic alliance in these first sessions.  It is our sincere desire that before you leave that very first session, you have a sense of hope for your relationship.  That is not to say that all situations resolve in the manner of reconciliation, but most can.  There are appropriate times when a separation may be necessary to facilitate space and safety to heal.

IN CRISIS OR NEEDING TO MAKE PROGRESS QUICKLY?

The intensive session format is strongly recommended for couples who wish to make significant progress in a short amount of time and/or if the relationship is in a state of crisis needing stabilization.  Couples consistently report positive outcomes to this format in that depending of the length chosen, we can accomplish 3-6 months worth of therapy in just a few days. Intensives are developed specific to each couple’s needs.  For more information about this option, please visit INTENSIVE FORMAT section of the website.

Rates for Therapy

Couple Therapy

50-55 Minute
$160/Session
  • Video sessions

Couple Therapy

80-85 Minute
$240/Session
  • Video sessions

Couple Therapy

3-Hour Intensive
$480/Session
  • Multiple session blocks available from 1/2 day to 3 full days
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Frequently Asked Questions
What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and why is it so successful?
In the late 1980’s, Susan Johnson and Les Greenberg co-created Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT is based on attachment theory stating that a marriage relationship is an attachment bond and when the bond is a secure safe haven, a marriage is healthy and solid. But when arguing and unresolved hurts keep a couple disconnected then their marriage relationship becomes distressed. The focus of EFT is to help couples make sense of the way they argue, unravel and foster a new way of relating, heal hurts and foster a safe place to relate. EFT has a 75% success rate in turning a marriage from distress to a security, and a 90% success rate in bringing about meaningful change. This powerful model gets to the heart of a couples’ distress and helps a couple turn their marriage around so they can emotionally connect. The changes that are made in EFT counseling are lasting, with research showing that 4 years after counseling with EFT couples are closer and stronger than ever.

For additional information about Emotionally Focused Therapy, visit http://www.iceeft.com/index.php/about-us/what-is-eft

What is the Safe Haven Model of therapy?
The Safe Haven Model of therapy, developed by Dr. Sharon May, combines the powerful and proven approach of EFT with Christian principles.  God created us as relationship beings, and His heart for us is to be in close relationship with Him as well as with those around us. God was a God of attachment.   His perfect model of relating to us is reflected throughout scripture and becomes our sure foundation for relating to others.

For more information about the Safe Haven Model, visit http://www.havenofsafety.com/old/abouttheeftmodel.html

What is Gottman Method Couples Therapy and what are its goals?
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the Gottman Method is an approach to couples therapy that includes a thorough assessment of the couple relationship and integrates research-based interventions based on the Sound Relationship House Theory.  The goals of therapy are to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy in conflicting situations, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship.

Using the 9 components of healthy relationships known as The Sound Relationship House Theory, couples will learn to build:

  • Love Maps
  • Share Fondness and Admiration
  • Turn Towards Instead of Away
  • The Positive Perspective
  • Manage Conflict
  • Make Life Dreams Come True
  • Create Shared Meaning
  • Trust
  • Commitment

For more information about the Gottman Method, visit https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/

What is Attachment Theory?
John Bowlby devoted extensive research to the concept of attachment, describing it as a “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”  Research has confirmed the importance of human bonds: without relationships we human wither and die, both emotionally and physically. The quality of our life diminishes when there is no one to share it with.

Attachment Theory asserts that you were born preprogrammed to bond with one very significant person—your primary caregiver(s). The emotional attachment that grew between you and your caregiver was the first interactive relationship of your life, and it depended upon nonverbal communication. For better or worse, the infant brain is profoundly influenced by the attachment bond—a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system becomes “securely attached.”  The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enables the child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic. The bonding you experienced can significantly determine how you would relate to other people (and to God) throughout your life, because it established the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication in your future relationships.

Beyond the basic function of secure attachment – providing safety and protection for the vulnerable young via closeness to a caregiver – there are several other important functions:

  • Learn basic trust and reciprocity, which serves as a template for all future emotional relationships.
  • Explore the environment with feelings of safety and security (“secure base”), which leads to healthy cognitive and social development.
  • Develop the ability to self-regulate, which results in effective management of impulses and emotions.
  • Create a foundation for the formation of identity, which includes a sense of competency, self-worth, and a balance between dependence and autonomy.
  • Establish a prosocial moral framework, which involves empathy, compassion and conscience.
  • Generate the core belief system, which comprises cognitive appraisals of self, caregivers, others, and life in general.
  • Provide a defense against stress and trauma, which incorporates resourcefulness and resilience.

The imprints and core beliefs about self and others from childhood no doubt influence how we love and experience others in adult relationships.  Using Attachment Theory as a foundation, the therapeutic interventions utilized in the framework of EFT, Gottman Method & the Safe Haven Models seek to transform the adult responses from a comprised attachment pattern to a secure way of relating.

For more information about Attachment Theory, visit https://internal.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

What does this practically look like in the process of therapy?
In therapy we will look more deeply at the “dialogues” that occur between partners.  We will explore how these are related to issues of disconnection in the basic emotional attachment that is essential for safety in a love relationship.  An example of this would be developing an understanding of what is really happening when one of you pushes and prods, and the other shuts down and gives up.  This is not easy work and involves digging into core beliefs and feelings that we are often unaware we have been carrying under the surface for years.  But it is worthwhile work, as it can result in the kind of relationship we all long for, one in which we instinctively know the other is there for us, deeply understands us and truly values us for exactly who we are.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

hope awaits.

Find new safety, increased security, & lasting significance for your relationship.